My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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