fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
