I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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