Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
