Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
