I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
