If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
