Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
