you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
