the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
