i would punch a child for taco bell
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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