we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
