I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is Oprah even human
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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