Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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