I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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