walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
