I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
