he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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