Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
