Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize