There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
