I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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