Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Drake has all the answers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
