Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
