Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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