I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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