In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
