grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
