She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
