Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
