I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Less talking, more tequila
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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