I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
