my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
