Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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