and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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