He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
