I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
