I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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