Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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