I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
