I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
