she was so not down for the gang bang
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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