stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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