Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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