a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
