Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
