I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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