Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
