Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
