My Higher Power is John Stamos
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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