i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
