3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
