You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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