I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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