You can't special order awesome
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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