Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
