Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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