I accidentally had phone sex last night
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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