at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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